Tales from the Archives: Barfest

Remember the movie Beerfest? Well, I barely do

Hubris, through a friend, acquired 2 free tickets to an advance screening of said film. He was under the impression that it was an industry showing, and brought me, the closest thing to an in the industry guy he knew at the time. When we arrived though, it clearly was just some promotional advance screening, so no hobb-nobbing for us.

We enjoyed the movie, but believed that if we had gotten 5 of our friends together and decided to make a similar themed movie, it would be just as good if not better. This indignation, fueled more by the broken promise of getting the chance to pretend to be ‘kind of a big deal’, as well as the film’s booze-heavy content, made us try something crazy; 15 bars in one night.

Now there were several obstacles in our path. It was summer, so most people were out of town. We were on the Upper West Side, so we did not know the terrain well. It was 9pm on a Tuesday, so we did not have a lot of time to cover a large amount of ground. We accepted our limitations, and decided the best course of action was to get some food at a Northern point, send out some texts, and drink our way south.

We chose Parlour Bar as our starting ground. The last time I was at this place, I ran into a child I had taught at an Arts in Education class eating dinner with his mother, who picked up a round of drinks for us as she left (The mother, not the child). We ordered some Pilsner Urquells and some food, to prepare for the trials ahead. Now after seeing this movie, we were under the false assumption that chugging good beer was an effortless task, so we down 3 Pilsners in a half an hour in rapid form. Bad idea, as we walked out of the bar with bad indigestion, weary of our chances to complete the task at hand.

Fate would smile on us though. On our way to a stretch of bars on Amsterdam, we passed by a Mexican place I had been to with the Gymnast and his brother. We stopped in and had a Margarita. This proved to be a clutch move, as the sugar gave us energy, and the change up from beer did not over-fill our stomachs. New verve hit us, and after that drink, we headed out to continue our journey.

Amsterdam Avenue from about 84th Street to 72nd is basically just a long line of bars; many suck, many are cool. First we hit up a bar known for diverse designer beers. Good bar, bad choice as designer beers are often heavy. Next up, we got Vodka tonics at a bar across the street. After that, we hit a neighborhood joint, where we met a local who talked to us about how the neighborhood had changed, and his career as a photographer. We left that bar, and Hubris booted on the street. I responded by singing Arsenal songs. We then found a bar where some people were playing Beirut. I stopped Hubris from signing us up, then booted in their bathroom. Next we went to a bar that was popular with my high school back in the day, which I talked about with the bartender. We went on till until we heard from both Sketchrock and Teach, who said they would meet us at Irish Rogue. We decide to grab a cab, and finish the count in Hell’s kitchen with friends at our side.

When we arrive at Irish Rogue, we grab the super-comfortable couches, and order a beer bone for the table. Our friends meet up with us, and we start training the bone. This takes us longer than it should, and when we are done, Teach declares he is hungry. Rogue’s kitchen long closed, we headed out for more booze and food.

We hit the Westway diner, but order beer so we can count it as a bar. Now, it’s about 3 in the morning, and we all are hammered. At one point, Teach and Hubris start arguing about something. I don’t remember what it was, or who was saying what, but both Teach and Hubris are men who do not back down from their opinion, especially when hammered. The conversation kept going with them screaming at each other, until Teach could take no more, slammed his fists on the table, and got up to go. A woman at another booth, who was passed out up until this moment, yelled at Teach, who Teach then called a bitch and stormed out of the diner. Concerned that he might cause a bar fight, I ran out after him, with Sketchrock in charge of getting Hubris home without incident. I found Teach on the street corner fuming, and took him back into the Irish Rogue for a final drink, hoping to cool him down. When we got back to the bar, Teach had regained his composure, and began flirting with a woman at the bar. I had a final beer, and we headed to my parent’s place to sleep. We would have gone back to Queens, but Teach had a doctor’s appointment early in the morning.

We never made the full count of 15, only making it to 12 bars that night. It was the first time I woke up drunk the next day, which was fun until the grueling mid afternoon hangover. I will never look at either Broken Lizard or the Upper West Side the same again.